Tuesday, November 26, 2002


Tuesday, November 26, 2002

***WARNING *** I’M HAVING A PITY PARTY FOR MYSELF TODAY***
Mom would have been 69 today. She’s been gone 5 1/2 years now. I still struggle with my feelings of guilt for not being there more for her when she was so sick. But why don’t these guilt feelings drive me to spend more time with my Dad? Why am I so uncomfortable with him? I feel I have nothing in common with him. When we are together I ask about his fishing and hunting and what he’s been doing. I don’t know any of the people he hangs out with. He spends a lot of time at my older sister’s and some time at my younger sister’s. He comes occassionally when we invite him. Sometimes he’s busy or it’s just too far to drive that particular day. Am I using these as excuses? I know he gets frustrated with my kids. But he also tells me I’m too hard on them most of the time.
I need to simplify my life. There is way too much going on. It seems as though all we do is run. Most of it is for the church. Our daughter has Girl Scouts every other week. Right now the kids are in the Christmas play for church and practice every Monday night and Saturday morning. We go to Thursday night classes at the church each week. The therapists normally come twice a week in the afternoons or evenings. I’m trying to stop going to choir on Wednesdays. I’m not enjoying it as much as I used to. It seems more of a chore than enjoyment. I’ve made a committment to at least sing with them for the Christmas canata though. It’s hard to quit when the director has cancer and is awaiting a stem cell transplant and doesn’t miss very often.
The kids had open house at the school recently. Our daughter made 1 A on her last report card and the rest were C’s and D’s. (I’m not sure if I already posted this or not…). She was an honor roll student every nine weeks last year at the private school. Is she rebelling or did I just THINK they were learning more at the private school than at the public school. At open house we were told that she gets up and talks to people even in the middle of class. She says she has not friends. Yet she’s always coming home with something that belongs to someone else. Is she taking these things or are they giving them to her. She knows she’s not supposed to accept stuff from other kids. Little things I can understand, but we’re talking stuffed toys and stuff like that. Am I being too harsh?
Our oldest made the honor roll. It was in the paper. People who have seen it have told him great job, etc. I bite my tongue and think these people don’t know that he’s in special ed and gets special provisions when he’s tested. They are going to think he came by his grades the same way “normal” kids do. They are going to expect more from him. Is this going to hurt him in the long run? Or is it ME being too harsh again? One of his mainstream teachers did tell us that he participates and comes up with answers when the other kids don’t want to be bothered. He thinks he is capable of handling more. At least his teachers seem to think that he’s trying his best, even though I know he’s not telling me when he should be studying for tests and doing homework. His special ed teacher hasn’t had as much time to fill in his homework book and he’s taking advantage of that fact by hiding info from me. It seems to be a trend with all 3 of the kids. Why can’t I see the GOOD? Why do I always focus on the BAD?
At open house our middle son got mixed reviews. His behavior is not good. One teacher looked at him and asked him what he “wanted” the teacher to tell us. I looked at the teacher and said “the truth”. At least the news there was that he is improving since being put in learning support. His social studies teacher says she has a difficult time with him staying on task and he disrupts the class. I wanted to cry by the time I left open house. Between our daughter and our son, I felt like a complete failure. You can’t help but overhear the conversations before you and hear how the teacher “wishes they had a dozen more like that child”. Or, “I just love this kid”, or “she’s my best student”. Why can’t I just love my kids for who they are and the rest of the world be damned???
I find myself screaming constantly anymore. I have to rush to work after the kids get on the bus. Then I have to rush back home to be there for them. (Our oldest ran out of the house in a panic one day when my niece was late because I was somewhere else. The phone rang and it was a salesman. Our son is 13 and it scared him so much he ran to the neighbors. He puts a shoe in front of his door because he’s terrified of the dark and doesn’t want the door shut tight. He thinks there are 2 Ohios and that anything anyone says on TV is absolutely true.)
I hate being at work because I’m invisible to everyone. The only time they see fit to speak to me is when they have some crap work to pile on me that no one else wants to do. The other woman in my group only comes into the office twice a week. She works from home 2 other days and has every Friday off. When she’s here the first thing the guys do is rush to her cube like bees to honey. Guess who gets the good raises and bonuses? I do try to be sociable. I try to joke with them and make conversation. I guess I’m dull and uninteresting because I don’t party. They all stand outside my cube and laugh and giggle and talk about the parties they’ve had at their houses where the other people around me have been invited and gone. And the fun things they all do together outside of work.
They are laying people off here. There was one person in our group. I’m surprised it wasn’t me. I guess the boss didn’t want to give his golden children my sh*t work to do if I were gone.
Is it my work or my life that makes me so unhappy? I guess since I’m stuck working here until they make me leave, I won’t know the answer to that. I’m not sure how to change things. My family depends on my income and benefits to survive. Or is it me that’s the problem? I believe it probably is. How do I make the changes in myself that are necessary to be a happy person? Do I need to start putting myself first instead of dead last a little more often? I was exercising almost daily during the summer because I didn’t have to rush home. I could go at lunchtime. I enjoyed it. I don’t have that now because of my tight schedule in order to be able to be home for the kids and still work full time. And Lord knows I can’t go back out once I’m home and I’m done making supper and stuff cause I’m supposed to be with my family, not off somewhere else.
I think I’m making myself sick. I’ve been having a long and heavy period again. It’s been going on for about a month now. For at least a week of that I was going so heavy I couldn’t stand up without having to go change my pad. Could be the stress. I’m wiped out. But I have to keep pushing myself because of the stuff I have to do. As I said, we run constantly anymore. Maybe that will stop when the holidays are over, or maybe I’ll make that stop. We’re in the process of canning applesauce. We buy 3 bushels of apples every year. It takes about 4 hours to do 1 bushel. We only got 1 bushel done this past weekend because of the places we had to go. I suppose we’ll finish over the Thanksgiving holiday instead of relaxing and enjoying ourselves like normal people do. There’s always some kind of work that needs done. Even though some of the places we go are supposed to be fun, sometimes it turns out to be more of a chore than anything. Last weekend we had a wedding to go to. I didn’t know anyone and my husband only knew a few (he was invited by someone he works with). No one sat near us. The table that should have seated almost 16 people had us 2 on one end and later on 4 more people came and sat at the other end. We wondered if maybe we had forgotten to shower…Or do we just look like boring people? Who knows. I’m not getting as much out of the church stuff we do as I used to. It seems that nothing new is being done, we’re just doing the same old tired stuff still. Maybe it’s just me….
Oh well, enough crying over nothing. It’s time to get back to what I have to do everyday.


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