Out of Control


Isn’t it always the way when you finally get one of them somewhat settled, one of the others goes and does something that completely blows your mind and makes you wonder if you can recover from it?



Heartache


There’s only been one other time that I’ve felt heartache this intense.  Quite frankly that time was more intense, but what’s going on in our lives right now is very close.  It’s a real, physical pain in my heart.



Ok, So I Lied (A Little)


Oldest called on Sunday.  He needed a favor.  Surprise!  NOT.  They needed someone to watch his girlfriend’s kids for a little while Tuesday afternoon.  They are going to need someone to watch them on a regular basis now that they are both working overlapping shifts.  (Hey!  He’s working!)  I told them I could watch them Tuesday afternoon, but after that I can’t because it’s while I’m supposed to be working.  He keeps asking me if I know anyone who could watch them for a couple of hours  a couple of days a week.  She usually sends the kids to Grandma’s but sometimes Grandma can’t do it.  I’m not even sure if they could pay someone and they can’t seem to give me details about how many days a week and what time or how long.  I sort of lied in a previous post that I would put my foot down and make him promise to help his dad when he can.  I figured a couple of hours one afternoon wasn’t that big of a deal.  Hubs wasn’t thrilled because supposedly her estranged husband is violent.  I took my middle one with me for peace of mind, but hubs is adamant that if the kids need a sitter and it’s us, that they will have to bring them here.  Oldest doesn’t drive so that isn’t going to work.  I’m not sure that I can do much to help them out on this one.  And, she needs to start being honest with us.  She lies as well as all of mine do.  Stuff about her kids and her ex and stuff. 

 

K has had a pretty good several days.  She started improving more after I showed up unexpectedly on Monday to see her.  She’s been more willing to do the program and meet some of the goals she has been avoiding like identifying healthy relationships and ways to cope.  She’s done a lot of work towards getting that stuff written down the last couple of days.  We just had an inter-team meeting this morning and the recommendation is to approve another 4 months knowing that if she improves enough it could be less.  I told them of my concern about school and about being unsupervised over the summer.  We had found out about some things she had done last summer behind our backs.  We need to find something to keep her busy and have some level of supervision whether it’s a part time job or day camps.  It definitely won’t be babysitting this year because she totally blew that last summer.  I REALLY don’t want her to have time alone this summer, but we may not have a choice.



You Can’t Always Get What You Want


K had a good visit this past weekend.  Much better than the one before.  She may not have done her chores correctly again, but at least she had a lot less attitude this time around.  Too bad it didn’t last when she got back to residential.  This whole week has been reports of defiance, disrespect and things I just can’t bring myself to write about.  She wants to call home to try and get me to take sides and gets mad when I tell her I believe staff that she’s behaving badly.  We have a wedding to go to the beginning of February, which means she will miss a visit home.  She’s trying to guilt me in to bringing her home anyway.  I won’t get a babysitter for her because I know she’ll take full advantage.  She always does.  And I won’t miss this wedding.  I missed a wedding in September that I had really looked forward to for months because we were in the emergency room with her that entire day trying to get her admitted somewhere.  I won’t know anyone at this wedding as it is hubs friend, but I am looking forward to a night out with him. 

 

Oldest hasn’t called since they came for dinner last Friday and his dad changed the oil and other fluids in his girlfriend’s car.  Never got a thank you either.  Doesn’t surprise us at all.  The next time he calls it will be because he needs something else.  He’s in for a surprise.  He wants something from us, he’ll have to give something in return, like help his dad with splitting and stacking wood or something.  It’s only fair.  That’ll go over like a lead balloon, I’m sure.  He’ll probably say "nevermind then".  Suits me. 



Guess Who’s Coming To Dinner


The oldest and his girlfriend are coming to our house for dinner Friday night. He’s asked his dad if he can change the oil in his girlfriend’s car. Dad says sure as long as you buy the stuff and watch so you can learn how to do it yourself. When he called last night I reminded him about it and how he needed to learn and his response was “You know I don’t like to get dirty.” Too bad son, make sure you wear work clothes.

She has gall bladder issues so we have to make something that won’t irritate it. I’m planning on spaghetti and making separate sauce without meat for her. I think she may be bringing one of the kids too. We’ll see if that changes before tomorrow.

Did I mention before that she came to our church last Sunday. He was working and she came by herself. We talked and I got to know her a little better. Her early background is a lot like his. She went through a lot of stuff herself but has turned her life around. She’s trying to get him to see that he can do the same. So far he’s listening. He’s finishing his second week of work today. Hopefully getting the first paycheck after not having one for so long will keep him from messing up.

He told me he wanted to go get his license next week and then asked if he did could he use one of our cars.  Um, that would be no.  He walks about 5 blocks to work and the temps have been in the single digits.  It won’t be that way forever and besides, when we had dinner the first time I took him his heavy winter coat and also got him several hoodies for Christmas gifts.  I think he knew we’d say no, but figured it couldn’t hurt to ask.

K will be home as well. Hopefully she won’t be as belligerent and will be at least a little more pleasant to be around. When I called her Tuesday night she had just gotten beaten up for saying something to another girl in a different unit than her. I asked her why does she have to say anything at all? She felt I was saying it was her fault she got beat up. I just said the chances would have been less likely if you would have just shut your mouth. She attracts ire against her for some reason. We’ve reminded her that she needs to change her attitude and until she does, nothing around her will change.



Better Today


I called K last night.  She was at the barn helping clean saddles.  She called back this morning and sounded better.  She said she was practicing her positive coping skills and read me a couple of things.  She said she was working on trying harder.  She started to promise, but then remembered how often she promises things and doesn’t come through.  So she promised that she would try harder.  I can understand making mistakes while at least trying.  It’s the not trying at all and putting no effort in to anything that upsets me.  We’ll see how this week goes.  Hopefully she’ll stay stable enough to come home Friday.



Dinner For 6


We had dinner with oldest and his girlfriend a week ago today. We brought most of his Christmas gifts and bought their dinner. Things were a little awkward. She is divorced with 2 kids and also has her niece living with her. It felt like everyone was afraid to ask about each other. His drug test came back clean so he started work last Sunday. I keep forgetting to ask him how the work clothes I got him fit. They must be ok because he hasn’t said anything either way about them. He worked 4 days this week. He says he wants to find something else for the days he’s off from the first job. It felt like he’s wrapped around her little finger and he’s afraid to do anything stupid to lose her.

He called a couple of days ago and was afraid she was going to give him the boot because he pawned her rings and lied about it. She seemed more concerned about the lie than the rings, so I’ll give her credit for that. I could hear her in the background saying that we probably think badly of her because of this. I asked if I could talk to her and I told her that I didn’t think any less of her. I felt she had every right to be upset. I told him the same thing. He was cussing and loud when he first called but the more I talked to him the calmer he got. He was upset that someone had told lies about him. He wasn’t mad at her, just mad that she was upset. He was trying to defend himself. I told him screaming and yelling wasn’t going to solve anything. When I said that the kids shouldn’t have to listen to him like that he seemed to calm down much quicker. He really likes them. It’s ironic how he has talked so much trash about us, but he’ll call in cases like this knowing that I’m able to calm him down. Keep calling son. I’ll be here.

He wants to come to the house for dinner next. He would have come tonight, but his dad won’t be home and I’m not feeling well. I told him let’s make it next week. I would like to get to know her better. She *might* be good for him if she can handle his behavior (lies) long enough.

K was also home for the weekend. It was Thanksgiving all over again. It was as if she was right back where she was before she went to the hospital in the first place. She was upset that she got called on not doing the chores (sweeping and dusting) correctly. She melted down over it. The dust she left was so obvious. She kept saying that she did the chores correctly. When she was home she wanted to call staff to process and wouldn’t talk to me. When she’s there she wants to call me to process and won’t talk to staff. She went back Sunday. She’s cut at least twice since Monday. She’s saying she’s having flash backs because someone was in church that she didn’t want to see. She knew she might not be able to come home next weekend if she couldn’t stay safe for the two weeks in between. She still thinks she should come home even though she hasn’t been stable since going back. I told her if she’s not stable that I will not be able to watch her 24 hours a day and that she’d need to stay there until she was stable. The next day she cut again. I feel as though she’s manipulating us. If you don’t say I can come home I’ll cut. But if I come home I want to be able to do what I want and not have any responsibility (such as chores). Am I being cruel saying she can’t come home to visit because she’s not stable? Am I enabling her allowing her to come home to visit even though she’s not stable? I feel as though as long as she gets what she wants no matter her behavior, she feels she can keep doing it. Rock and a hard place, I tell ya.



This, That And The Other Which Thing


Where do I begin?

Oldest was MIA for Christmas.  We called two days before Christmas only to find that he was no longer living in the supervised apartment.  They gave me his cell number.  I called and left messages.  The day after Christmas he called and said he didn’t get the messages because he was out of minutes.  We still don’t know exactly where he is.  He says with his girlfriend in the same general area, but he hasn’t said exactly where.  We are going to meet for dinner at a restaurant because he wants us to meet his girlfriend.  We thought she had one child.  Turns out she has 3 and she’s 24.  He’s 19.  No biggie about the age difference, but I’m a tad bit concerned about the kids.  Oh, and he also wanted us to give him $$ to help with bills.  Then another call to say he needs work clothes for a new job he’s supposed to start on Sunday if he passes his drug test before then.  I bought more minutes for his phone and work clothes. As soon as the minutes showed up on his phone he called and asked if I sent him minutes.  I told him yes and he actually thanked me. He sounded sincere too.  That’s unusual for him.  We’ll probably bring some food for him along with his Christmas gifts when we meet for dinner.  I’m still not going to give him $$.  We’ll see how it goes.

K was home for 5 days for Christmas.  It was a much better visit than Thanksgiving.  She did use her brother’s cell without asking to text a friend that happens to be a boy who is also a friend of her brother.  Overall she did well though.  Her big issues are still inappropriate interaction with boys and exaggerated drama with peers (usually about boys).  She’s been singing in the choir and has been allowed to do a couple of solos.  She’s making almost all A’s except for one B.  There will probably be talk of discharge soon.  I expressed my big concern about school and the fact that she now has a reputation and those kids will not show mercy.  I don’t think she can handle that yet.  We’ll have to find something else.

Middle is having his ups and downs but generally doing well.  He doesn’t like being an only at home, but he’s been able to talk with and text friends so that helps some.



Stuck In My Head Song Of The Day


(Almost) Not Surprised


Back in late October I blogged about thinking K showed symptoms of Borderline Personality Disorder. Well, we just got her treatment plans from last month and this month in the mail today. Guess what’s in her diagnosis list? That along with Impulse-Control Disorder, Major Depressive Disorder, Oppositional Defiant Disorder, Intermittent Explosive Disorder (!), Generalized Anxiety Disorder and, get this, Reactive Attachment Disorder (!!). My guess on the RAD would be the disinhibited type.

Tomorrow is her 16th birthday. We’re going up with a cake and gifts and hope that when we leave she doesn’t backslide into a meltdown. She’s trying to earn coming home for Christmas so hopefully she’ll keep it together.