Gotta love calls from cys around the holidays

CYS called after us not hearing anything for nearly 2 months from them.  This was from when K reported having flashbacks of sexual assaults from her birth father.  K was very clear to her therapist that it was her birth father.  The first time they called they assured us that we weren’t the subject of the investigation.  They assured us again that we aren’t the subject of the investigation but they need to collect personal information about all of us and come visit our home and talk to the middle son since he still lives here.  Of course we’re going to cooperate because we’ve done nothing wrong and have nothing to hide, but why drag these out and spring it on us during the holidays that are already tough on us because of K’s placement and the oldest’s ongoing issues?  Why do they need to visit us and talk to middle son if this is all about K?  They know she isn’t here.


To top it off I’ve been suffering from a stomach for the last 3 days and feel like I’m going to pass out as it is. 


Fun times, I tell ya.

3 phone calls

The first was from the oldest and hubs actually answered it.  Seems that he had a job at Mickey D’s for a couple of days.  He says he got fired because he was 10 minutes late coming back from a break.  Supposedly he asked them for something to eat and when he felt ignored he called a buddy who drove him several miles to another Mickey D’s.  Something doesn’t add up here.  Anyway, he got back 10 minutes late and the manager told him to leave because the job wasn’t for him.  He told his dad he thinks he’s going to be kicked out of the apartment.  This is the first job he’s even attempted since he moved in to the apartment in August.  I think hubs got the feeling son was fishing for something, like money or an offer to come back home?  Hubs told him that son’s best bet was to tell the apartment manager he would find another job and try harder.  Son also told hubs that, yes, Virginia, he is smoking weed.  Well now. 


Second phone call is K.  She acts as if we hadn’t been told that she ran again on Wednesday night.  I told her I was none too happy with her.  She keeps reminding me about her birthday in a couple of weeks.  She’s not getting any commitment from me.  We may go up and spend the afternoon with her, as long as the roads aren’t slick.  She tries to skirt the behavior issue with telling me she’s doing well in school.  Good.  I’m glad.  Now get your behavior back on track!  We have a family session tonight via phone and then a team meeting tomorrow via phone.  Should be interesting.


Third was R again.  This time I answered.  He gave me the exact same intro as he did hubs.  But, then he says that he knows I don’t like this, but could I buy him some cigarettes.  Nope, can’t do that son.  I asked if he’s been taking his meds and he said no and tried to blame it on the ladies at the apartment.   I told him his best bet was to start taking his meds again and stay away from the weed.  I asked how his food situation was and he said he was good on that front.  I’m willing to help in ways that won’t enable him.  I won’t carry him.  He needs to find a job and keep it.  He also needs to quit blaming everyone else for his situation.  That’s what is going to be the most difficult for him.  It’s never his fault, always someone else’s. 

Tensions are high

Tensions are high in our household.  K ran away again Wednesday night.  This time with another girl to a stranger’s house who fed them then called the police.  I haven’t spoken to her since Tuesday.  When I did speak to her Tuesday everything was hunky-dory.  Supposedly.  I told her that I would not stick my neck out again to ask for visits home.  I would go with whatever they said.  If they so no visit for Christmas so be it. 


She ran away because someone told her that her so-called boyfriend was cheating on her.  That’s all we know.  I spoke to both her therapist and case manager yesterday and neither seemed to know the details.  Either that or they just weren’t saying.  She gets a new case manager next week since she moved to a different cottage.  She will keep her therapist until the therapist for her new cottage returns from maternity leave next month. 


Hubs is upset that she is able to get out the door without someone catching her before she leaves the grounds.  I don’t know what to say to that.  He is stressed and is the type that holds things in.  Tonight he had a blowup with middle son because middle son put too much wood on the wood stove.  Hubs is terrified of the house catching fire due to his family’s home burning down when he was 2 years old.  Middle son didn’t understand this.  Middle son is also feeling stressed.  He is upset with both his siblings and it’s hard for him.  So when Hubs blew up at him, he blew right back.  They nearly got in to a fist fight.  It broke my heart.  Hubs left to go help cut up his deer even though earlier he said he wasn’t going to.  It was probably for the best so he could cool down.  Later I explained the situation to middle son and we talked.  I think it cleared some things up for him and he’ll be more careful from now on.  I told him that his dad did not handle the situation correctly and I was not excusing his behavior.  But I did want middle son to know.  He felt sorry that he reacted the way he did.  This is huge for him to admit that.  He usually doesn’t care.  He’s matured so much in the last few months. 

What was she thinking redux

So, oldest was a no show for Thanksgiving.  We called three times on Wednesday.  Only got to speak to him once.  I told him call when he was done with an earlier interview.  I called twice after that and he never did call. 

K decided to give our HOME phone number to a boy at residential that she says she loves.  She knew him 2 days before she decided this.  He was also home on a visit and called our house even before her dad picked her up to bring her home.  The third time he called I said she would not be taking calls during her visit.  She was upset.  She snuck to our room and called him.  He called again.  By then it was about the 8th time that he had called.  She knows the rules.  She knows she is NOT to give out our home phone number to anyone without our permission.  She had written a contract for her visit and broke at least three of the things on it.  On the way back Friday she told me that I don’t love her.  If I loved her I would not be taking her back because she doesn’t belong there.  I told her this is part of her flawed thinking.  We can tell her things until we are blue in the face and it doesn’t matter.  All that matters to her is the people who don’t like her and the need to MAKE them like her.  I told her that she has no clue what we went through when she ran away from respite.  I told her how sick we both were with worry.

8:00 pm we get a call saying she’s gone AWOL after an argument with staff.  She’d been gone since about 6:30 pm.  This is her way of punishing me for taking her back.  I had told her that very afternoon how frightening it was for us when she ran so she used it against me.  They called back around 9:30 pm and said they found her in a church.  I’m not sure if it was the one on campus or not.  She had tried to call her boyfriend to come get her and she cut herself.  They wanted to know if I wanted to speak with her.  I couldn’t.  I couldn’t calm myself enough and stop crying long enough to talk to her.  She called the next morning and I simply said "I don’t know what you want me to say to you KM".  She tried saying that I didn’t know how she felt.  I told her that I did and that’s why she is where she is with professionals that can help her if she’d only let them.  She wouldn’t let us help so she left us no choice.  I told her I feel she wants to feel this way and refuses to listen to anyone who wants to help.   Until she’s ready to listen, our hands are tied. 

Her birthday is in three weeks.  She’ll be 16.  I doubt she’ll be able to come home . She’ll hate us for it even if it’s not our decision.  If she’s going to act that way each time we have to take her back, maybe it’s for the best until she is more stable…

The Whole Dang Family

Well, not the WHOLE family, but lots of it anyway.  I called oldest a few minutes ago and asked if he wanted to come home for Thanksgiving.  He said yes and even asked about staying until Friday.  That was a shocker.  I had it in the back of my mind that we would pick him up on the way back from getting K on Wednesday and letting him stay until we take her back on Friday, but never in my wildest dreams did I think he would WANT to do that.  Hubs says that even though we don’t give him money, giving him food should mean the occasional help around the farm, but it’s never been offered.  If he stays overnight this week, there will be expectations from Dad even if no offer is extended.  We’ll see how well that goes over.  The good news/bad news is that he was there to take my call.  The bad part about it is that it probably means he is still without a job, especially if he can stay two nights.  I don’t know what it’s going to take.  He wants a specific job and no other will do. 

So, he’ll be home, K will be home and various sisters, brothers and parents will be there.  Wish me luck.  :)

one night or two?

We got the ok for an overnight visit for Thanksgiving.  I’m going to ask for 2 nights so no one has to travel Thanksgiving day.  I can’t see why they would say no.  I know they have protocol on visits according to levels, etc., but she will be home.  We won’t be going out or seeing anyone that she would be uncomfortable seeing.  She has only been home for 2 nights since September 8.  I think 2 nights now won’t hurt her.  She hasn’t cut in weeks.  She is still very depressed.  She hides behind fake smiles that all the staff can see right through.  She still feels worthless and that she has no future.  But I think being home and being in contact with us and extended family will hopefully motivate her.  I know Friday will be hard going back, but maybe she’ll be encouraged to continue to do well to get more visits that last longer.  We can always hope, but also be thankful that we get what we got for now.

Family Therapy Session

The phone call started out upbeat. It slowly deteriorated in to her crying and saying she had no future and there has never been anything good in her life. I did more talking than the therapist and she must have been ok with that since she didn’t try to stop me. I told K that I wanted her to look up the word unconditional and tell me what it meant the next time we talked. She tried to say that nobody loved her and that we were all just pretending. I also told her I wanted her to think long and hard about what made her happy and the good things in her life (past and present) and write them down for our next session. She talked to me later that night and said she couldn’t talk to staff because they were mean and that she “needed to do something”. I told her that was her way of punishing me for sending her there. She said that she wasn’t. She knew I would worry and make phone calls to staff and that was her way of getting the attention she needed. Tomorrow is her case meeting and it will determine whether or not she can go up one level and start to do outings and other things with the rest of the group. She’s been depressed about having to stay onsite while others go out so that hasn’t helped either. I don’t know how tomorrow is going to turn out. It will also determine if she gets to come home at all for Thanksgiving. If she doesn’t get to come home, I’m not sure what she will do.


Let’s see. 

We took oldest some food that I had bought for him a month ago.  Seemed like good timing as he called and told us he was out of food and money.  I won’t give him money.  He knows that.  We took the box of food which contained mostly freezer stuff and non-perishables.  There was a pizza, mac and cheese, vegetables and we gave him a few packages of our home-grown beef and pork.  He said his food stamp card would be reloaded in a few days.  When we got there he was sitting on the stoop outside.  He bleached his hair again and pierced his other ear.  According to middle son he said he got a tattoo as well.  Not sure if that’s true or not.  He was smoking the last of his cigarette.  I just took a deep breath before I got out of the car and reminded myself that he’s 19 and doesn’t live at home.  It’s his life.  He still doesn’t have a job.  There are help wanted signs all around him within walking distance but I think he thinks those jobs aren’t good enough for him.  I don’t know how much longer they will let him live there without getting paid.


I’m going to see K tonight for a therapy session.  She called last night because yesterday was her first day of school there.  She was pretty upbeat and said she got good remarks from the teacher.  She was upset the night before because she had lost dessert privileges for lending her clothes to someone.  She cried about how unfair it was.  I asked her if she broke the rules by lending them and she said yes and I said there ya go.  Don’t break the rules and you won’t lose your privileges.  Life is so unfair.  She’s not expecting me today. 


I got a call from the campus nurse this morning telling me about how K has been complaining about stomach aches for awhile now.  K told the nurse she got them all the time and she just drinks gatorade to make it better.  She visits the nurse quite frequently.  Just like she did while she was in school.  I explained to the nurse her need for attention and how she embellishes and even sometimes lies just to get the attention.  The nurse understood.  She sees it all the time.  Since K is new up there she just wanted to be sure that there wasn’t a history of gastrointestinal problems.  Nerves.  That’s what it is.  I’m really surprised she hasn’t been getting hives regularly.  We used to have to keep a bottle of benadryl at school for her because of how often she used to get them. 


If she doesn’t do anything terribly stupid, like try to run away again, she should be able to come home for a day or two for Thanksgiving.  I have to keep reminding her each time I talk to her because she keeps the threat open.  She was upset with me the night before on the phone because I wasn’t buying in to her self-pity party so she blurted out "I have a boyfriend".  Gee, she’s been there not two weeks and he told her he loves her already.  I know she did it just to get a reaction because boys are a big problem for her.  I don’t think she got what she wanted from telling me that so she dropped it.  We’ll see how things go this afternoon and if she brings it up again.

Praise you in this storm


We moved K to her new placement yesterday.  It’s a very nice campus.  As I said before it’s faith based and she’ll have access to clergy and get to go to church.  In her earlier years she was very grounded in faith.  Life happened and she’s kind of forgotten about all that.  I felt very comfortable there yesterday.   They know the drill.  Maybe we’ll have her home sooner than later.

Another move tomorrow

Hopefully the last until she comes home.  The way she’s been talking to us lately she acts as if she’s going to summer camp.  It’s hard to tell if she’s doing that because I told her I wasn’t going to be an audience for her theatrics or what.  She’s given me a list of things she wants me to bring from home.  I’m not going to bring all that she requested.  I’m going to tell her that if she wants those things, she needs to do the work to get better and come home.  I have such mixed feelings.  On one hand I wonder what is really going on with her.  On the other hand, I sometimes feel that she is controlling this whole situation just so she won’t have to go back to her school where all her problems seem to be.  She asks about that a lot.  Early on I was dead set that she was going to learn how to deal with how kids are no matter what.  But if she is willing to go to these extremes to stay away from that school, what can I do?  I keep telling her she’s going to find those kinds of kids everywhere.  But there are some things she claims have happened that maybe a fresh start for her last couple of years would be best.  I just don’t know.


It’s an hour + trip to the respite and then another hour + to residential.  We’ll probably spend at least 3 or 4 hours admitting her.  She’s been gone since September 8 all told.  I just hope getting her settled somewhere that she shouldn’t have to move again will encourage her to start the real work of healing.