Friday, May 07, 2004


Friday, May 07, 2004

It’s been a wicked school year. Months of trouble from the middle son. Tried Therapeutic Staff Support. Didn’t work. He’s now in a private school for kids with emotional/behavioral problems. He’s been there for about a month. The first 2 weeks they wondered why he was there he was so well behaved. Now they see what the public school was seeing. He still goes to therapy regularly. He threatened to run away yesterday. What set it off was something as simple as his sister pushing the wrong button on his radio when he asked her to turn it off and she accidentally changed stations. He threw a major tantrum. The week before he threw a tantrum about her eating a poptart and he ate cereal. And the fun never ends….
The school guidance counselor wanted us to hospitalize him in November. We didn’t. It took us 4 more months to get TSS and that only lasted about a month because they thought he needed hospitalized too. We stood our ground because that’s what he wanted. He thought he’d get a “vacation” that way. So, we pushed the alternative school placement and actually got it. Thankfully his regular therapist knows him well enough to see the same things we do. She gives it to him straight and doesn’t baby him or give him ideas about how to make everyone else’s lives miserable. She holds him accountable which is exactly what he needs.
The oldest is maintaining. He does a lot of stuff behind our backs, but so far it hasn’t harmed anyone. I think he realizes when he’s gone too far and generally backs off when he sees he has.
The youngest just wants some attention. She has such a smart alec attitude sometimes. She likes to talk back and try to make it look like she’s just being sweet and joking around. She’s lost a lot of privileges lately because of it. She drives me nuts when I reprimand her and she looks at me and smiles and says “I know”. Sometimes it feels like she’s laughing in my face.
*edited 7/9/04*
I forgot to mention that we had to have her homeroom changed because it turned out she was holding in a lot of things that were going on. She ended up admitting to me that she wanted to hide in the restroom all day because the kids STILL picked on her constantly. I called the school guidance counselor and told her this was ridiculous and that something had to be done about it. At first they were going to just talk to the kids in the homeroom, but after seeing the kids’ reactions they decided they had better move her. Her grades had started to drop again but other than that she never let on anything else was wrong until that day she cried and wanted to hide. Things did improve, including her grades after the move. I was so mad that the homeroom teacher couldn’t see what was going on and do something about it. But then, I didn’t see it either. She was pretty good at hiding it.
*end edit*
I am so glad school is almost out. It will finally give me a break and my husband can take over for awhile.



Friday, September 26, 2003


Friday, September 26, 2003

I’m back. I really should be working (I work from home in the afternoons during the school year), but just can’t seem to bring myself to do stuff right now. I’ve already moved our bull over into a different pasture, put in a load of laundry and done a few other things rather than sit down to the matter at hand. I was all gung ho yesterday coding and working on stuff, and today I just can’t seem to get motivated.
Today is the oldest’s birthday. He’s 14 going on 8. I wish I had a crystal ball to see what his future will be. The school says he isn’t eligible for life skills class even though he tested at a third grade level on reading and math. Go figure.
The youngest has turned around this year. She works harder in school and is making much better grades (grades she was capable of making last year but just didn’t put forth any effort). I think she likes her teachers much better this year and she’s in a class that doesn’t pick on her as much. She seemed to always coming home with stories about being tormented last year. She actually seems happier this year.
The middle one is going to be lucky if he sees his 13th birthday next year. He lies like a hot knife going through butter. He can look you straight in the face and lie to you even when you catch him doing something and call him on it. And it’s stupid stuff too. Not stuff he would get in MAJOR trouble for. He gets in worse trouble when he lies about the stupid stuff he is doing like hiding food in his room and stuff.
Mother-in-law got taken to the emergency room today. Second time in 2 months. Sister-in-law keeps dogs at home and is hardly ever there to take care of them. The first time the dog tripped her when she was on the steps and she had an air cast on for several weeks. This time she said she was playing with the dog yesterday (big dog in a small house) and he knocked her down and she hit her head. Today she was with other sister-in-law (her daughter) and was waiting in the car and had some sort of seizure while sister-in-law was in the store. She bit her lip and it bled and she got aggitated and beligerent so sil took her to the ER. They didn’t know it was a seizure until they ran some tests. I think there was worry that it might have been a stroke. They took her to a bigger hospital for overnight observation and consultation with trauma and neuro drs. just to be on the safe side. The ER doc didn’t feel it was anything to be too concerned with even though she wanted her to be evaluated further.
Husband was undecided as to whether or not to do his afternoon bus run and football run tonight, but decided since big brother and little sister were going to hospital and dr. said nothing serious, he went. He’s still worrying a little though.
It’s been a weird summer. Lots of rain. Hard to get the hay in. Put hay in barn that shouldn’t have been baled because it was still too wet, so it will most likely mold. But did get a lot of round bales. Sold 7 cows to make sure we were ok for the winter with the feed situation. Husband is talking about trading in 2 tractors for another tractor. Right now we have 4 tractors. Too many for 35 acres if you ask me. He also wants to trade in his mower for a newer one. He always seems to be buying some new toy that he thinks he really really needs. I don’t buy much, but I’m thinking why don’t I? If he can, why can’t I? So, I’m going to go shopping for a new computer and give the kids my old one (they have my really really old one now) and let them finally get on the internet. Husband and I always talked about how computer literate our kids would be because of what I do for a living, but I haven’t given them that chance because they proved to me several years ago how destructive they are with stuff like this. The oldest had hacked into the computer I gave them and rendered it unusable. I couldn’t even fix it. So, they went without for several years. I finally gave one back to them last year and so far it’s working ok, so I might give them some more responsibility.
Oh well, I’d better wrap this up for now. The kids need to eat and I need to work.
Fun, fun fun….



Monday, April 07, 2003


Monday, April 07, 2003

Wow, I just went back and looked at some of my first posts. I talked about how my husband being a bus driver was going to help with situations like school and dr. appointments. Boy was I wrong. I still take care of 80% of them because it’s too hard to get appointments at the times when my husband can take them. He has to be back a certain time in the afternoon and half the time there are no appointments available early enough in the morning that he could finish his morning bus run then make it to the appointment and be done with it before he has to be back. I guess last year it seemed easier because the oldest was in a different situation and the younger two were in a private school where I could take them and drop them off at daycare before school and they walked over and stayed at the daycare after school.
If only they could have stayed there……

Monday, April 07, 2003

I really can’t wait until school is out for the summer. I know that sounds like a contradiction to what most people wish for, but it will FINALLY give me a break! I’ll get to leave FOR work when I want and I’ll get to leave FROM work when I want. My husband just doesn’t understand how trapped I feel and how much I feel like I’m the one who always has to compromise for the kids. I leave for work later than I’ve been used to for so many years and I have to leave from work early and race home to reconnect from home to start working again so I get my 8 hours in. I know I’m lucky that where I work will let me do this, but it can be such a mental strain. I feel like I am constantly being pushed from both ends. And, on top of that, I have to deal with 80% of the kids’ appointments because it is so hard to find a time during the day that has an appointment available when my husband can take them. That, and I don’t like to pull them out of school so much.
The appointments are for the therapists and the psychiatrist for their meds. Some of the appointments are for the dentist for the oldest’s braces. There is rarely a week that goes by that there isn’t some type of appointment.
And when the kids don’t have school and the husband does, we have to get a babysitter which is most often my mother-in-law. I should be grateful, but she runs so much even though she is in her late 70’s that sometimes I STILL have to leave work early so she can go and do her things. I just want to be like my husband gets to be. He has peace and quiet EVERY single morning when he’s getting ready for work. He leaves before the kids even get out of bed. I have to sit and wait until the last bus comes for the kids before I can leave and it’s never peaceful when they are getting ready for school. He can stop after work and do whatever he “needs” to do without feeling like he has to rush home to be there for the kids, because of course, I’M ALREADY THERE! He keeps telling me I got what I asked for. Seems to me we both wanted kids…



Monday, February 24, 2003


Monday, February 24, 2003

I can’t believe it’s been more than 2 months since I posted something. I guess I’ve just been THAT busy.
Our oldest has braces now. He has to get the bar that goes across in a month. He got 2 teeth pulled 2 days before the put the braces on. We were at the office 2 weeks before but the dentist wouldn’t do it with just novicane cause he saw how scared he was, so we had to reschedule to get gassed. It was over in 10 minutes. I wasn’t allowed back with him, but he seemed to do just fine. He was freaked out about the blood, but didn’t get out of control or anything. That was such a relief. I did NOT want to schedule out-patient surgery to have them removed! I just hope he takes care of them this time. Last time he was about 10 years old (he’s 13 now) and he pulled the wires out and cut himself and his sheets with them. I think the kids at school have been teasing him enough to keep them on this time.
Snow, snow and more SNOW! School has been delayed at least 8 times and cancelled 5 so far this year. 2 of the cancellations were on days that were makeup days for 2 of the other cancellations, so they really only have 3 to make up. But I still have to stay home with them every time. I was working at home, but was told that “we” need to be careful not to take advantage of the “work at home” privilege so I had to start taking vacation days. I’ve used 4 already! Good thing I have 25 for the whole year! I NEED a vacation this year!! I think I’ll go nuts if I don’t get to go somewhere for a whole week. I’d prefer the beach, but that will be a tough sell to get my husband to go. He did say that since I’ll be turning 40 this year he should take me somewhere…hmmmm…..



Gotta love calls from cys around the holidays


CYS called after us not hearing anything for nearly 2 months from them.  This was from when K reported having flashbacks of sexual assaults from her birth father.  K was very clear to her therapist that it was her birth father.  The first time they called they assured us that we weren’t the subject of the investigation.  They assured us again that we aren’t the subject of the investigation but they need to collect personal information about all of us and come visit our home and talk to the middle son since he still lives here.  Of course we’re going to cooperate because we’ve done nothing wrong and have nothing to hide, but why drag these out and spring it on us during the holidays that are already tough on us because of K’s placement and the oldest’s ongoing issues?  Why do they need to visit us and talk to middle son if this is all about K?  They know she isn’t here.

 

To top it off I’ve been suffering from a stomach for the last 3 days and feel like I’m going to pass out as it is. 

 

Fun times, I tell ya.



Tuesday, November 26, 2002


Tuesday, November 26, 2002

***WARNING *** I’M HAVING A PITY PARTY FOR MYSELF TODAY***
Mom would have been 69 today. She’s been gone 5 1/2 years now. I still struggle with my feelings of guilt for not being there more for her when she was so sick. But why don’t these guilt feelings drive me to spend more time with my Dad? Why am I so uncomfortable with him? I feel I have nothing in common with him. When we are together I ask about his fishing and hunting and what he’s been doing. I don’t know any of the people he hangs out with. He spends a lot of time at my older sister’s and some time at my younger sister’s. He comes occassionally when we invite him. Sometimes he’s busy or it’s just too far to drive that particular day. Am I using these as excuses? I know he gets frustrated with my kids. But he also tells me I’m too hard on them most of the time.
I need to simplify my life. There is way too much going on. It seems as though all we do is run. Most of it is for the church. Our daughter has Girl Scouts every other week. Right now the kids are in the Christmas play for church and practice every Monday night and Saturday morning. We go to Thursday night classes at the church each week. The therapists normally come twice a week in the afternoons or evenings. I’m trying to stop going to choir on Wednesdays. I’m not enjoying it as much as I used to. It seems more of a chore than enjoyment. I’ve made a committment to at least sing with them for the Christmas canata though. It’s hard to quit when the director has cancer and is awaiting a stem cell transplant and doesn’t miss very often.
The kids had open house at the school recently. Our daughter made 1 A on her last report card and the rest were C’s and D’s. (I’m not sure if I already posted this or not…). She was an honor roll student every nine weeks last year at the private school. Is she rebelling or did I just THINK they were learning more at the private school than at the public school. At open house we were told that she gets up and talks to people even in the middle of class. She says she has not friends. Yet she’s always coming home with something that belongs to someone else. Is she taking these things or are they giving them to her. She knows she’s not supposed to accept stuff from other kids. Little things I can understand, but we’re talking stuffed toys and stuff like that. Am I being too harsh?
Our oldest made the honor roll. It was in the paper. People who have seen it have told him great job, etc. I bite my tongue and think these people don’t know that he’s in special ed and gets special provisions when he’s tested. They are going to think he came by his grades the same way “normal” kids do. They are going to expect more from him. Is this going to hurt him in the long run? Or is it ME being too harsh again? One of his mainstream teachers did tell us that he participates and comes up with answers when the other kids don’t want to be bothered. He thinks he is capable of handling more. At least his teachers seem to think that he’s trying his best, even though I know he’s not telling me when he should be studying for tests and doing homework. His special ed teacher hasn’t had as much time to fill in his homework book and he’s taking advantage of that fact by hiding info from me. It seems to be a trend with all 3 of the kids. Why can’t I see the GOOD? Why do I always focus on the BAD?
At open house our middle son got mixed reviews. His behavior is not good. One teacher looked at him and asked him what he “wanted” the teacher to tell us. I looked at the teacher and said “the truth”. At least the news there was that he is improving since being put in learning support. His social studies teacher says she has a difficult time with him staying on task and he disrupts the class. I wanted to cry by the time I left open house. Between our daughter and our son, I felt like a complete failure. You can’t help but overhear the conversations before you and hear how the teacher “wishes they had a dozen more like that child”. Or, “I just love this kid”, or “she’s my best student”. Why can’t I just love my kids for who they are and the rest of the world be damned???
I find myself screaming constantly anymore. I have to rush to work after the kids get on the bus. Then I have to rush back home to be there for them. (Our oldest ran out of the house in a panic one day when my niece was late because I was somewhere else. The phone rang and it was a salesman. Our son is 13 and it scared him so much he ran to the neighbors. He puts a shoe in front of his door because he’s terrified of the dark and doesn’t want the door shut tight. He thinks there are 2 Ohios and that anything anyone says on TV is absolutely true.)
I hate being at work because I’m invisible to everyone. The only time they see fit to speak to me is when they have some crap work to pile on me that no one else wants to do. The other woman in my group only comes into the office twice a week. She works from home 2 other days and has every Friday off. When she’s here the first thing the guys do is rush to her cube like bees to honey. Guess who gets the good raises and bonuses? I do try to be sociable. I try to joke with them and make conversation. I guess I’m dull and uninteresting because I don’t party. They all stand outside my cube and laugh and giggle and talk about the parties they’ve had at their houses where the other people around me have been invited and gone. And the fun things they all do together outside of work.
They are laying people off here. There was one person in our group. I’m surprised it wasn’t me. I guess the boss didn’t want to give his golden children my sh*t work to do if I were gone.
Is it my work or my life that makes me so unhappy? I guess since I’m stuck working here until they make me leave, I won’t know the answer to that. I’m not sure how to change things. My family depends on my income and benefits to survive. Or is it me that’s the problem? I believe it probably is. How do I make the changes in myself that are necessary to be a happy person? Do I need to start putting myself first instead of dead last a little more often? I was exercising almost daily during the summer because I didn’t have to rush home. I could go at lunchtime. I enjoyed it. I don’t have that now because of my tight schedule in order to be able to be home for the kids and still work full time. And Lord knows I can’t go back out once I’m home and I’m done making supper and stuff cause I’m supposed to be with my family, not off somewhere else.
I think I’m making myself sick. I’ve been having a long and heavy period again. It’s been going on for about a month now. For at least a week of that I was going so heavy I couldn’t stand up without having to go change my pad. Could be the stress. I’m wiped out. But I have to keep pushing myself because of the stuff I have to do. As I said, we run constantly anymore. Maybe that will stop when the holidays are over, or maybe I’ll make that stop. We’re in the process of canning applesauce. We buy 3 bushels of apples every year. It takes about 4 hours to do 1 bushel. We only got 1 bushel done this past weekend because of the places we had to go. I suppose we’ll finish over the Thanksgiving holiday instead of relaxing and enjoying ourselves like normal people do. There’s always some kind of work that needs done. Even though some of the places we go are supposed to be fun, sometimes it turns out to be more of a chore than anything. Last weekend we had a wedding to go to. I didn’t know anyone and my husband only knew a few (he was invited by someone he works with). No one sat near us. The table that should have seated almost 16 people had us 2 on one end and later on 4 more people came and sat at the other end. We wondered if maybe we had forgotten to shower…Or do we just look like boring people? Who knows. I’m not getting as much out of the church stuff we do as I used to. It seems that nothing new is being done, we’re just doing the same old tired stuff still. Maybe it’s just me….
Oh well, enough crying over nothing. It’s time to get back to what I have to do everyday.



Wednesday, November 06, 2002


Wednesday, November 06, 2002

Report cards came out yesterday. Since both boys are in learning support they did well. I think they threw out some of the bad grades that the middle son had because he didn’t make anything below a C even though we were led to believe during our meeting prior to learning support, that he was doing very poorly. The oldest made honor roll. He didn’t do too badly in his mainstream classes. Of course, his tests are adapted to his needs, so that makes a difference as well.
Our daughter floored us. She was 1 point away from an F in English and made a D in Social Studies too. She had 3 C’s and 1 A. She thought the 1 A would make up for all the rest of it. Needless to say, she has lost TV privileges for the next 9 weeks and will lose Girl Scout privileges for at least the next meeting. She was on the honor roll all last year. I don’t know if she is rebelling because we moved them out of the Christian school or if what she is learning now is just so different that she isn’t getting it. I checked her homework throughout the 9 weeks and I thought things were going better than that.
I was devastated. Why does it hurt me so much? Why can’t I just let it go and hope that things will get better when she’s ready? Why do I automatically assume that there is no hope for any of them now and that none of our kids will go to college? WHY WHY WHY



Monday, October 14, 2002


Monday, October 14, 2002

Some days I just feel like I’m getting the life drained out of me. I feel so exhausted. I’ve been getting it from all three of the kids. They are so needy. And my husband is working so often, even on the weekends, that I’m with them by myself. There just isn’t enough of me to go around.



Friday, October 11, 2002


Friday, October 11, 2002

I can’t even say how long it’s been since I posted last. I haven’t even looked lately.
Life is pretty hectic these days. With trying to juggle my work schedule by working from home in the afternoon so I can leave early to be home for the kids, and helping with homework and various other activities, it doesn’t leave me much time for me. But I guess that’s part of being a parent.
School is a constant challenge. Both boys are now in learning support. We had our younger son tested this summer and the school finally completed everything and found he qualifies as learning disabled. We already knew our older son is. Maybe school will become less of struggle now that he’ll be placed in a smaller class and work at a slower pace. He was just so frustrated all the time. His main problem is reading comprehension which has affected everything else he does.
Our daughter is finding it difficult to be behind the others in her class when she has been so used to being on the top of her class. Switching from the private school has made it a little difficult because they are reviewing things in the public school from last year which she hasn’t seen yet. I’m sure she’ll come back though.
She finally got her clarinet a couple of weeks ago. The first week she was totally in love with it. She’s not so in love now that she knows she has to practice everynight and it’s not as easy as she thought it would be. I think she’ll stick with it though. She had her first Girl Scout meeting last week. Last year she was in Brownies. She couldn’t wait to go back. She made a craft and is already selling stuff. My husband says there are really only 6 girls in the troop and there were only 4 there last night.
Our oldest has been going to youth group at our church weekly. He seems to enjoy being with kids his own age. He hasn’t really had that much in the last couple of years because of his situation. He loves cooking and science in school because he gets to DO stuff – hands on. It keeps his interest. I think he just takes the rest of it with a grain of salt because he knows he has to do it. He also knows if he starts having behavioral problems, that he’ll go back to a stricter setting, so I think he’s trying his best to stay.
Hopefully now that our younger son will get additional help in school we’ll see an improvement in his overall behavior and attitude. Maybe he’ll get to start doing something extra soon.
That’s all for now I guess. If I think of anything else, I’ll add it later….



Friday, September 13, 2002


Friday, September 13, 2002

I am so terrible at keeping up with this!
The kids now have a couple of weeks of school under their belts. Our oldest started a week late at the middle school when his placement to a specialized school fell through due to lack of staff. He’s very excited because he will get to participate in art, gym, music, computer and cooking. He doesn’t get any of that in the other schools. He’s mainstreamed in science and social studies, but with modified testing. I didn’t know it would be modified until I contacted the teacher with my concerns.
Our middle son qualifies for reading support. I was surprised math wasn’t included because he all but failed math last year. They said they would monitor the situation and place him in math support if he begins to slip.
Our daughter seems to be doing very good academically. They don’t explain new concepts to the kids as well as the private school, so I’m helping her a lot more this year. But once I explain it, she usually gets it pretty quickly.
They are all three having trouble with kids picking on them. Our oldest gets called names because of his immaturity. I’ve told the special education coordinator that I’m concerned he won’t be able to hold back his anger much longer if it continues and she said she would look into it. I told him that I am proud of him for staying in control when they say things. I’m just not sure how much longer he can keep it up. He loves his homeroom teacher. She’s very attentive and helpful. He also loves his van driver. He’s made a point to make a connection with our son. I do appreciate that.
I’m not sure what’s up with the middle son. He gives different reasons each time and then he says everything is fine. I’m going to have to keep an eye on the situation. I try to get him to talk to me about it but he doesn’t always want to share.
Our daughter is such an outgoing person that she wants to be friends with everyone, even if they are unpopular with the other kids. She doesn’t understand why the other kids won’t be friends with her just because she is friends with kids they don’t like. She wants to be friends with all of them. I told her that I’m proud of her for not dropping the unpopular kids and to just keep trying with the other kids. I told her to ask the other kids if she could be friends with them too and they don’t have to be friends with her other friends. It might be working. I’m sure she’ll tell me if it doesn’t. She said she was physically threatened by some of the kids and went to the principal about it. Her teacher yelled at her for going to the principal! In light of all the school tragedies that occur, I was appalled! If my child does not feel safe, it is the school’s responsibility to make her feel safe! They will hear from me about this! I’ve heard that the teachers pay little attention to what is going on at the playground. This is where my daughter gets harrassed. She’s petite for her age and most kids her age tower over her. Those kids are taking full advantage of that. But, she still comes home with a smile on her face and does tell me about the good things like getting to try the clarinet for band and making chorus and stuff like that.
We’ve started our Thursday night church school meetings. I believe I have too much on my plate and it’s time to do away with some stuff. We have the counselors at the house 2 evenings a week, I have choir practice on Wednesdays, I have to try to help all 3 kids with their homework while working at home because I have to leave my office early to be home for my oldest, and the list goes on. Right now the only thing I can get rid of is choir. I used to enjoy it, now it just feels like another thing on my “to-do” list.
This happens every new school year. The summer is fine because my husband is home with the kids. Now the kids are mostly my responsibility on top of my job and everything else. At least my husband can go to the school meetings between his bus runs. Maybe I’m just a big baby. I should probably stop whining about it.
Oh well.