This, That And The Other Which Thing

Where do I begin?

Oldest was MIA for Christmas.  We called two days before Christmas only to find that he was no longer living in the supervised apartment.  They gave me his cell number.  I called and left messages.  The day after Christmas he called and said he didn’t get the messages because he was out of minutes.  We still don’t know exactly where he is.  He says with his girlfriend in the same general area, but he hasn’t said exactly where.  We are going to meet for dinner at a restaurant because he wants us to meet his girlfriend.  We thought she had one child.  Turns out she has 3 and she’s 24.  He’s 19.  No biggie about the age difference, but I’m a tad bit concerned about the kids.  Oh, and he also wanted us to give him $$ to help with bills.  Then another call to say he needs work clothes for a new job he’s supposed to start on Sunday if he passes his drug test before then.  I bought more minutes for his phone and work clothes. As soon as the minutes showed up on his phone he called and asked if I sent him minutes.  I told him yes and he actually thanked me. He sounded sincere too.  That’s unusual for him.  We’ll probably bring some food for him along with his Christmas gifts when we meet for dinner.  I’m still not going to give him $$.  We’ll see how it goes.

K was home for 5 days for Christmas.  It was a much better visit than Thanksgiving.  She did use her brother’s cell without asking to text a friend that happens to be a boy who is also a friend of her brother.  Overall she did well though.  Her big issues are still inappropriate interaction with boys and exaggerated drama with peers (usually about boys).  She’s been singing in the choir and has been allowed to do a couple of solos.  She’s making almost all A’s except for one B.  There will probably be talk of discharge soon.  I expressed my big concern about school and the fact that she now has a reputation and those kids will not show mercy.  I don’t think she can handle that yet.  We’ll have to find something else.

Middle is having his ups and downs but generally doing well.  He doesn’t like being an only at home, but he’s been able to talk with and text friends so that helps some.

Monday, February 24, 2003

Monday, February 24, 2003

I can’t believe it’s been more than 2 months since I posted something. I guess I’ve just been THAT busy.
Our oldest has braces now. He has to get the bar that goes across in a month. He got 2 teeth pulled 2 days before the put the braces on. We were at the office 2 weeks before but the dentist wouldn’t do it with just novicane cause he saw how scared he was, so we had to reschedule to get gassed. It was over in 10 minutes. I wasn’t allowed back with him, but he seemed to do just fine. He was freaked out about the blood, but didn’t get out of control or anything. That was such a relief. I did NOT want to schedule out-patient surgery to have them removed! I just hope he takes care of them this time. Last time he was about 10 years old (he’s 13 now) and he pulled the wires out and cut himself and his sheets with them. I think the kids at school have been teasing him enough to keep them on this time.
Snow, snow and more SNOW! School has been delayed at least 8 times and cancelled 5 so far this year. 2 of the cancellations were on days that were makeup days for 2 of the other cancellations, so they really only have 3 to make up. But I still have to stay home with them every time. I was working at home, but was told that “we” need to be careful not to take advantage of the “work at home” privilege so I had to start taking vacation days. I’ve used 4 already! Good thing I have 25 for the whole year! I NEED a vacation this year!! I think I’ll go nuts if I don’t get to go somewhere for a whole week. I’d prefer the beach, but that will be a tough sell to get my husband to go. He did say that since I’ll be turning 40 this year he should take me somewhere…hmmmm…..

Stuck In My Head Song Of The Day

(Almost) Not Surprised

Back in late October I blogged about thinking K showed symptoms of Borderline Personality Disorder. Well, we just got her treatment plans from last month and this month in the mail today. Guess what’s in her diagnosis list? That along with Impulse-Control Disorder, Major Depressive Disorder, Oppositional Defiant Disorder, Intermittent Explosive Disorder (!), Generalized Anxiety Disorder and, get this, Reactive Attachment Disorder (!!). My guess on the RAD would be the disinhibited type.

Tomorrow is her 16th birthday. We’re going up with a cake and gifts and hope that when we leave she doesn’t backslide into a meltdown. She’s trying to earn coming home for Christmas so hopefully she’ll keep it together.

Gotta love calls from cys around the holidays

CYS called after us not hearing anything for nearly 2 months from them.  This was from when K reported having flashbacks of sexual assaults from her birth father.  K was very clear to her therapist that it was her birth father.  The first time they called they assured us that we weren’t the subject of the investigation.  They assured us again that we aren’t the subject of the investigation but they need to collect personal information about all of us and come visit our home and talk to the middle son since he still lives here.  Of course we’re going to cooperate because we’ve done nothing wrong and have nothing to hide, but why drag these out and spring it on us during the holidays that are already tough on us because of K’s placement and the oldest’s ongoing issues?  Why do they need to visit us and talk to middle son if this is all about K?  They know she isn’t here.


To top it off I’ve been suffering from a stomach for the last 3 days and feel like I’m going to pass out as it is. 


Fun times, I tell ya.

Tuesday, November 26, 2002

Tuesday, November 26, 2002

Mom would have been 69 today. She’s been gone 5 1/2 years now. I still struggle with my feelings of guilt for not being there more for her when she was so sick. But why don’t these guilt feelings drive me to spend more time with my Dad? Why am I so uncomfortable with him? I feel I have nothing in common with him. When we are together I ask about his fishing and hunting and what he’s been doing. I don’t know any of the people he hangs out with. He spends a lot of time at my older sister’s and some time at my younger sister’s. He comes occassionally when we invite him. Sometimes he’s busy or it’s just too far to drive that particular day. Am I using these as excuses? I know he gets frustrated with my kids. But he also tells me I’m too hard on them most of the time.
I need to simplify my life. There is way too much going on. It seems as though all we do is run. Most of it is for the church. Our daughter has Girl Scouts every other week. Right now the kids are in the Christmas play for church and practice every Monday night and Saturday morning. We go to Thursday night classes at the church each week. The therapists normally come twice a week in the afternoons or evenings. I’m trying to stop going to choir on Wednesdays. I’m not enjoying it as much as I used to. It seems more of a chore than enjoyment. I’ve made a committment to at least sing with them for the Christmas canata though. It’s hard to quit when the director has cancer and is awaiting a stem cell transplant and doesn’t miss very often.
The kids had open house at the school recently. Our daughter made 1 A on her last report card and the rest were C’s and D’s. (I’m not sure if I already posted this or not…). She was an honor roll student every nine weeks last year at the private school. Is she rebelling or did I just THINK they were learning more at the private school than at the public school. At open house we were told that she gets up and talks to people even in the middle of class. She says she has not friends. Yet she’s always coming home with something that belongs to someone else. Is she taking these things or are they giving them to her. She knows she’s not supposed to accept stuff from other kids. Little things I can understand, but we’re talking stuffed toys and stuff like that. Am I being too harsh?
Our oldest made the honor roll. It was in the paper. People who have seen it have told him great job, etc. I bite my tongue and think these people don’t know that he’s in special ed and gets special provisions when he’s tested. They are going to think he came by his grades the same way “normal” kids do. They are going to expect more from him. Is this going to hurt him in the long run? Or is it ME being too harsh again? One of his mainstream teachers did tell us that he participates and comes up with answers when the other kids don’t want to be bothered. He thinks he is capable of handling more. At least his teachers seem to think that he’s trying his best, even though I know he’s not telling me when he should be studying for tests and doing homework. His special ed teacher hasn’t had as much time to fill in his homework book and he’s taking advantage of that fact by hiding info from me. It seems to be a trend with all 3 of the kids. Why can’t I see the GOOD? Why do I always focus on the BAD?
At open house our middle son got mixed reviews. His behavior is not good. One teacher looked at him and asked him what he “wanted” the teacher to tell us. I looked at the teacher and said “the truth”. At least the news there was that he is improving since being put in learning support. His social studies teacher says she has a difficult time with him staying on task and he disrupts the class. I wanted to cry by the time I left open house. Between our daughter and our son, I felt like a complete failure. You can’t help but overhear the conversations before you and hear how the teacher “wishes they had a dozen more like that child”. Or, “I just love this kid”, or “she’s my best student”. Why can’t I just love my kids for who they are and the rest of the world be damned???
I find myself screaming constantly anymore. I have to rush to work after the kids get on the bus. Then I have to rush back home to be there for them. (Our oldest ran out of the house in a panic one day when my niece was late because I was somewhere else. The phone rang and it was a salesman. Our son is 13 and it scared him so much he ran to the neighbors. He puts a shoe in front of his door because he’s terrified of the dark and doesn’t want the door shut tight. He thinks there are 2 Ohios and that anything anyone says on TV is absolutely true.)
I hate being at work because I’m invisible to everyone. The only time they see fit to speak to me is when they have some crap work to pile on me that no one else wants to do. The other woman in my group only comes into the office twice a week. She works from home 2 other days and has every Friday off. When she’s here the first thing the guys do is rush to her cube like bees to honey. Guess who gets the good raises and bonuses? I do try to be sociable. I try to joke with them and make conversation. I guess I’m dull and uninteresting because I don’t party. They all stand outside my cube and laugh and giggle and talk about the parties they’ve had at their houses where the other people around me have been invited and gone. And the fun things they all do together outside of work.
They are laying people off here. There was one person in our group. I’m surprised it wasn’t me. I guess the boss didn’t want to give his golden children my sh*t work to do if I were gone.
Is it my work or my life that makes me so unhappy? I guess since I’m stuck working here until they make me leave, I won’t know the answer to that. I’m not sure how to change things. My family depends on my income and benefits to survive. Or is it me that’s the problem? I believe it probably is. How do I make the changes in myself that are necessary to be a happy person? Do I need to start putting myself first instead of dead last a little more often? I was exercising almost daily during the summer because I didn’t have to rush home. I could go at lunchtime. I enjoyed it. I don’t have that now because of my tight schedule in order to be able to be home for the kids and still work full time. And Lord knows I can’t go back out once I’m home and I’m done making supper and stuff cause I’m supposed to be with my family, not off somewhere else.
I think I’m making myself sick. I’ve been having a long and heavy period again. It’s been going on for about a month now. For at least a week of that I was going so heavy I couldn’t stand up without having to go change my pad. Could be the stress. I’m wiped out. But I have to keep pushing myself because of the stuff I have to do. As I said, we run constantly anymore. Maybe that will stop when the holidays are over, or maybe I’ll make that stop. We’re in the process of canning applesauce. We buy 3 bushels of apples every year. It takes about 4 hours to do 1 bushel. We only got 1 bushel done this past weekend because of the places we had to go. I suppose we’ll finish over the Thanksgiving holiday instead of relaxing and enjoying ourselves like normal people do. There’s always some kind of work that needs done. Even though some of the places we go are supposed to be fun, sometimes it turns out to be more of a chore than anything. Last weekend we had a wedding to go to. I didn’t know anyone and my husband only knew a few (he was invited by someone he works with). No one sat near us. The table that should have seated almost 16 people had us 2 on one end and later on 4 more people came and sat at the other end. We wondered if maybe we had forgotten to shower…Or do we just look like boring people? Who knows. I’m not getting as much out of the church stuff we do as I used to. It seems that nothing new is being done, we’re just doing the same old tired stuff still. Maybe it’s just me….
Oh well, enough crying over nothing. It’s time to get back to what I have to do everyday.

3 phone calls

The first was from the oldest and hubs actually answered it.  Seems that he had a job at Mickey D’s for a couple of days.  He says he got fired because he was 10 minutes late coming back from a break.  Supposedly he asked them for something to eat and when he felt ignored he called a buddy who drove him several miles to another Mickey D’s.  Something doesn’t add up here.  Anyway, he got back 10 minutes late and the manager told him to leave because the job wasn’t for him.  He told his dad he thinks he’s going to be kicked out of the apartment.  This is the first job he’s even attempted since he moved in to the apartment in August.  I think hubs got the feeling son was fishing for something, like money or an offer to come back home?  Hubs told him that son’s best bet was to tell the apartment manager he would find another job and try harder.  Son also told hubs that, yes, Virginia, he is smoking weed.  Well now. 


Second phone call is K.  She acts as if we hadn’t been told that she ran again on Wednesday night.  I told her I was none too happy with her.  She keeps reminding me about her birthday in a couple of weeks.  She’s not getting any commitment from me.  We may go up and spend the afternoon with her, as long as the roads aren’t slick.  She tries to skirt the behavior issue with telling me she’s doing well in school.  Good.  I’m glad.  Now get your behavior back on track!  We have a family session tonight via phone and then a team meeting tomorrow via phone.  Should be interesting.


Third was R again.  This time I answered.  He gave me the exact same intro as he did hubs.  But, then he says that he knows I don’t like this, but could I buy him some cigarettes.  Nope, can’t do that son.  I asked if he’s been taking his meds and he said no and tried to blame it on the ladies at the apartment.   I told him his best bet was to start taking his meds again and stay away from the weed.  I asked how his food situation was and he said he was good on that front.  I’m willing to help in ways that won’t enable him.  I won’t carry him.  He needs to find a job and keep it.  He also needs to quit blaming everyone else for his situation.  That’s what is going to be the most difficult for him.  It’s never his fault, always someone else’s. 

Wednesday, November 06, 2002

Wednesday, November 06, 2002

Report cards came out yesterday. Since both boys are in learning support they did well. I think they threw out some of the bad grades that the middle son had because he didn’t make anything below a C even though we were led to believe during our meeting prior to learning support, that he was doing very poorly. The oldest made honor roll. He didn’t do too badly in his mainstream classes. Of course, his tests are adapted to his needs, so that makes a difference as well.
Our daughter floored us. She was 1 point away from an F in English and made a D in Social Studies too. She had 3 C’s and 1 A. She thought the 1 A would make up for all the rest of it. Needless to say, she has lost TV privileges for the next 9 weeks and will lose Girl Scout privileges for at least the next meeting. She was on the honor roll all last year. I don’t know if she is rebelling because we moved them out of the Christian school or if what she is learning now is just so different that she isn’t getting it. I checked her homework throughout the 9 weeks and I thought things were going better than that.
I was devastated. Why does it hurt me so much? Why can’t I just let it go and hope that things will get better when she’s ready? Why do I automatically assume that there is no hope for any of them now and that none of our kids will go to college? WHY WHY WHY

Tensions are high

Tensions are high in our household.  K ran away again Wednesday night.  This time with another girl to a stranger’s house who fed them then called the police.  I haven’t spoken to her since Tuesday.  When I did speak to her Tuesday everything was hunky-dory.  Supposedly.  I told her that I would not stick my neck out again to ask for visits home.  I would go with whatever they said.  If they so no visit for Christmas so be it. 


She ran away because someone told her that her so-called boyfriend was cheating on her.  That’s all we know.  I spoke to both her therapist and case manager yesterday and neither seemed to know the details.  Either that or they just weren’t saying.  She gets a new case manager next week since she moved to a different cottage.  She will keep her therapist until the therapist for her new cottage returns from maternity leave next month. 


Hubs is upset that she is able to get out the door without someone catching her before she leaves the grounds.  I don’t know what to say to that.  He is stressed and is the type that holds things in.  Tonight he had a blowup with middle son because middle son put too much wood on the wood stove.  Hubs is terrified of the house catching fire due to his family’s home burning down when he was 2 years old.  Middle son didn’t understand this.  Middle son is also feeling stressed.  He is upset with both his siblings and it’s hard for him.  So when Hubs blew up at him, he blew right back.  They nearly got in to a fist fight.  It broke my heart.  Hubs left to go help cut up his deer even though earlier he said he wasn’t going to.  It was probably for the best so he could cool down.  Later I explained the situation to middle son and we talked.  I think it cleared some things up for him and he’ll be more careful from now on.  I told him that his dad did not handle the situation correctly and I was not excusing his behavior.  But I did want middle son to know.  He felt sorry that he reacted the way he did.  This is huge for him to admit that.  He usually doesn’t care.  He’s matured so much in the last few months. 

Monday, October 14, 2002

Monday, October 14, 2002

Some days I just feel like I’m getting the life drained out of me. I feel so exhausted. I’ve been getting it from all three of the kids. They are so needy. And my husband is working so often, even on the weekends, that I’m with them by myself. There just isn’t enough of me to go around.