Heartache


There’s only been one other time that I’ve felt heartache this intense.  Quite frankly that time was more intense, but what’s going on in our lives right now is very close.  It’s a real, physical pain in my heart.



Friday, May 07, 2004


Friday, May 07, 2004

It’s been a wicked school year. Months of trouble from the middle son. Tried Therapeutic Staff Support. Didn’t work. He’s now in a private school for kids with emotional/behavioral problems. He’s been there for about a month. The first 2 weeks they wondered why he was there he was so well behaved. Now they see what the public school was seeing. He still goes to therapy regularly. He threatened to run away yesterday. What set it off was something as simple as his sister pushing the wrong button on his radio when he asked her to turn it off and she accidentally changed stations. He threw a major tantrum. The week before he threw a tantrum about her eating a poptart and he ate cereal. And the fun never ends….
The school guidance counselor wanted us to hospitalize him in November. We didn’t. It took us 4 more months to get TSS and that only lasted about a month because they thought he needed hospitalized too. We stood our ground because that’s what he wanted. He thought he’d get a “vacation” that way. So, we pushed the alternative school placement and actually got it. Thankfully his regular therapist knows him well enough to see the same things we do. She gives it to him straight and doesn’t baby him or give him ideas about how to make everyone else’s lives miserable. She holds him accountable which is exactly what he needs.
The oldest is maintaining. He does a lot of stuff behind our backs, but so far it hasn’t harmed anyone. I think he realizes when he’s gone too far and generally backs off when he sees he has.
The youngest just wants some attention. She has such a smart alec attitude sometimes. She likes to talk back and try to make it look like she’s just being sweet and joking around. She’s lost a lot of privileges lately because of it. She drives me nuts when I reprimand her and she looks at me and smiles and says “I know”. Sometimes it feels like she’s laughing in my face.
*edited 7/9/04*
I forgot to mention that we had to have her homeroom changed because it turned out she was holding in a lot of things that were going on. She ended up admitting to me that she wanted to hide in the restroom all day because the kids STILL picked on her constantly. I called the school guidance counselor and told her this was ridiculous and that something had to be done about it. At first they were going to just talk to the kids in the homeroom, but after seeing the kids’ reactions they decided they had better move her. Her grades had started to drop again but other than that she never let on anything else was wrong until that day she cried and wanted to hide. Things did improve, including her grades after the move. I was so mad that the homeroom teacher couldn’t see what was going on and do something about it. But then, I didn’t see it either. She was pretty good at hiding it.
*end edit*
I am so glad school is almost out. It will finally give me a break and my husband can take over for awhile.



Ok, So I Lied (A Little)


Oldest called on Sunday.  He needed a favor.  Surprise!  NOT.  They needed someone to watch his girlfriend’s kids for a little while Tuesday afternoon.  They are going to need someone to watch them on a regular basis now that they are both working overlapping shifts.  (Hey!  He’s working!)  I told them I could watch them Tuesday afternoon, but after that I can’t because it’s while I’m supposed to be working.  He keeps asking me if I know anyone who could watch them for a couple of hours  a couple of days a week.  She usually sends the kids to Grandma’s but sometimes Grandma can’t do it.  I’m not even sure if they could pay someone and they can’t seem to give me details about how many days a week and what time or how long.  I sort of lied in a previous post that I would put my foot down and make him promise to help his dad when he can.  I figured a couple of hours one afternoon wasn’t that big of a deal.  Hubs wasn’t thrilled because supposedly her estranged husband is violent.  I took my middle one with me for peace of mind, but hubs is adamant that if the kids need a sitter and it’s us, that they will have to bring them here.  Oldest doesn’t drive so that isn’t going to work.  I’m not sure that I can do much to help them out on this one.  And, she needs to start being honest with us.  She lies as well as all of mine do.  Stuff about her kids and her ex and stuff. 

 

K has had a pretty good several days.  She started improving more after I showed up unexpectedly on Monday to see her.  She’s been more willing to do the program and meet some of the goals she has been avoiding like identifying healthy relationships and ways to cope.  She’s done a lot of work towards getting that stuff written down the last couple of days.  We just had an inter-team meeting this morning and the recommendation is to approve another 4 months knowing that if she improves enough it could be less.  I told them of my concern about school and about being unsupervised over the summer.  We had found out about some things she had done last summer behind our backs.  We need to find something to keep her busy and have some level of supervision whether it’s a part time job or day camps.  It definitely won’t be babysitting this year because she totally blew that last summer.  I REALLY don’t want her to have time alone this summer, but we may not have a choice.



Friday, September 26, 2003


Friday, September 26, 2003

I’m back. I really should be working (I work from home in the afternoons during the school year), but just can’t seem to bring myself to do stuff right now. I’ve already moved our bull over into a different pasture, put in a load of laundry and done a few other things rather than sit down to the matter at hand. I was all gung ho yesterday coding and working on stuff, and today I just can’t seem to get motivated.
Today is the oldest’s birthday. He’s 14 going on 8. I wish I had a crystal ball to see what his future will be. The school says he isn’t eligible for life skills class even though he tested at a third grade level on reading and math. Go figure.
The youngest has turned around this year. She works harder in school and is making much better grades (grades she was capable of making last year but just didn’t put forth any effort). I think she likes her teachers much better this year and she’s in a class that doesn’t pick on her as much. She seemed to always coming home with stories about being tormented last year. She actually seems happier this year.
The middle one is going to be lucky if he sees his 13th birthday next year. He lies like a hot knife going through butter. He can look you straight in the face and lie to you even when you catch him doing something and call him on it. And it’s stupid stuff too. Not stuff he would get in MAJOR trouble for. He gets in worse trouble when he lies about the stupid stuff he is doing like hiding food in his room and stuff.
Mother-in-law got taken to the emergency room today. Second time in 2 months. Sister-in-law keeps dogs at home and is hardly ever there to take care of them. The first time the dog tripped her when she was on the steps and she had an air cast on for several weeks. This time she said she was playing with the dog yesterday (big dog in a small house) and he knocked her down and she hit her head. Today she was with other sister-in-law (her daughter) and was waiting in the car and had some sort of seizure while sister-in-law was in the store. She bit her lip and it bled and she got aggitated and beligerent so sil took her to the ER. They didn’t know it was a seizure until they ran some tests. I think there was worry that it might have been a stroke. They took her to a bigger hospital for overnight observation and consultation with trauma and neuro drs. just to be on the safe side. The ER doc didn’t feel it was anything to be too concerned with even though she wanted her to be evaluated further.
Husband was undecided as to whether or not to do his afternoon bus run and football run tonight, but decided since big brother and little sister were going to hospital and dr. said nothing serious, he went. He’s still worrying a little though.
It’s been a weird summer. Lots of rain. Hard to get the hay in. Put hay in barn that shouldn’t have been baled because it was still too wet, so it will most likely mold. But did get a lot of round bales. Sold 7 cows to make sure we were ok for the winter with the feed situation. Husband is talking about trading in 2 tractors for another tractor. Right now we have 4 tractors. Too many for 35 acres if you ask me. He also wants to trade in his mower for a newer one. He always seems to be buying some new toy that he thinks he really really needs. I don’t buy much, but I’m thinking why don’t I? If he can, why can’t I? So, I’m going to go shopping for a new computer and give the kids my old one (they have my really really old one now) and let them finally get on the internet. Husband and I always talked about how computer literate our kids would be because of what I do for a living, but I haven’t given them that chance because they proved to me several years ago how destructive they are with stuff like this. The oldest had hacked into the computer I gave them and rendered it unusable. I couldn’t even fix it. So, they went without for several years. I finally gave one back to them last year and so far it’s working ok, so I might give them some more responsibility.
Oh well, I’d better wrap this up for now. The kids need to eat and I need to work.
Fun, fun fun….



You Can’t Always Get What You Want


K had a good visit this past weekend.  Much better than the one before.  She may not have done her chores correctly again, but at least she had a lot less attitude this time around.  Too bad it didn’t last when she got back to residential.  This whole week has been reports of defiance, disrespect and things I just can’t bring myself to write about.  She wants to call home to try and get me to take sides and gets mad when I tell her I believe staff that she’s behaving badly.  We have a wedding to go to the beginning of February, which means she will miss a visit home.  She’s trying to guilt me in to bringing her home anyway.  I won’t get a babysitter for her because I know she’ll take full advantage.  She always does.  And I won’t miss this wedding.  I missed a wedding in September that I had really looked forward to for months because we were in the emergency room with her that entire day trying to get her admitted somewhere.  I won’t know anyone at this wedding as it is hubs friend, but I am looking forward to a night out with him. 

 

Oldest hasn’t called since they came for dinner last Friday and his dad changed the oil and other fluids in his girlfriend’s car.  Never got a thank you either.  Doesn’t surprise us at all.  The next time he calls it will be because he needs something else.  He’s in for a surprise.  He wants something from us, he’ll have to give something in return, like help his dad with splitting and stacking wood or something.  It’s only fair.  That’ll go over like a lead balloon, I’m sure.  He’ll probably say "nevermind then".  Suits me. 



Monday, April 07, 2003


Monday, April 07, 2003

Wow, I just went back and looked at some of my first posts. I talked about how my husband being a bus driver was going to help with situations like school and dr. appointments. Boy was I wrong. I still take care of 80% of them because it’s too hard to get appointments at the times when my husband can take them. He has to be back a certain time in the afternoon and half the time there are no appointments available early enough in the morning that he could finish his morning bus run then make it to the appointment and be done with it before he has to be back. I guess last year it seemed easier because the oldest was in a different situation and the younger two were in a private school where I could take them and drop them off at daycare before school and they walked over and stayed at the daycare after school.
If only they could have stayed there……

Monday, April 07, 2003

I really can’t wait until school is out for the summer. I know that sounds like a contradiction to what most people wish for, but it will FINALLY give me a break! I’ll get to leave FOR work when I want and I’ll get to leave FROM work when I want. My husband just doesn’t understand how trapped I feel and how much I feel like I’m the one who always has to compromise for the kids. I leave for work later than I’ve been used to for so many years and I have to leave from work early and race home to reconnect from home to start working again so I get my 8 hours in. I know I’m lucky that where I work will let me do this, but it can be such a mental strain. I feel like I am constantly being pushed from both ends. And, on top of that, I have to deal with 80% of the kids’ appointments because it is so hard to find a time during the day that has an appointment available when my husband can take them. That, and I don’t like to pull them out of school so much.
The appointments are for the therapists and the psychiatrist for their meds. Some of the appointments are for the dentist for the oldest’s braces. There is rarely a week that goes by that there isn’t some type of appointment.
And when the kids don’t have school and the husband does, we have to get a babysitter which is most often my mother-in-law. I should be grateful, but she runs so much even though she is in her late 70’s that sometimes I STILL have to leave work early so she can go and do her things. I just want to be like my husband gets to be. He has peace and quiet EVERY single morning when he’s getting ready for work. He leaves before the kids even get out of bed. I have to sit and wait until the last bus comes for the kids before I can leave and it’s never peaceful when they are getting ready for school. He can stop after work and do whatever he “needs” to do without feeling like he has to rush home to be there for the kids, because of course, I’M ALREADY THERE! He keeps telling me I got what I asked for. Seems to me we both wanted kids…



Guess Who’s Coming To Dinner


The oldest and his girlfriend are coming to our house for dinner Friday night. He’s asked his dad if he can change the oil in his girlfriend’s car. Dad says sure as long as you buy the stuff and watch so you can learn how to do it yourself. When he called last night I reminded him about it and how he needed to learn and his response was “You know I don’t like to get dirty.” Too bad son, make sure you wear work clothes.

She has gall bladder issues so we have to make something that won’t irritate it. I’m planning on spaghetti and making separate sauce without meat for her. I think she may be bringing one of the kids too. We’ll see if that changes before tomorrow.

Did I mention before that she came to our church last Sunday. He was working and she came by herself. We talked and I got to know her a little better. Her early background is a lot like his. She went through a lot of stuff herself but has turned her life around. She’s trying to get him to see that he can do the same. So far he’s listening. He’s finishing his second week of work today. Hopefully getting the first paycheck after not having one for so long will keep him from messing up.

He told me he wanted to go get his license next week and then asked if he did could he use one of our cars.  Um, that would be no.  He walks about 5 blocks to work and the temps have been in the single digits.  It won’t be that way forever and besides, when we had dinner the first time I took him his heavy winter coat and also got him several hoodies for Christmas gifts.  I think he knew we’d say no, but figured it couldn’t hurt to ask.

K will be home as well. Hopefully she won’t be as belligerent and will be at least a little more pleasant to be around. When I called her Tuesday night she had just gotten beaten up for saying something to another girl in a different unit than her. I asked her why does she have to say anything at all? She felt I was saying it was her fault she got beat up. I just said the chances would have been less likely if you would have just shut your mouth. She attracts ire against her for some reason. We’ve reminded her that she needs to change her attitude and until she does, nothing around her will change.



Better Today


I called K last night.  She was at the barn helping clean saddles.  She called back this morning and sounded better.  She said she was practicing her positive coping skills and read me a couple of things.  She said she was working on trying harder.  She started to promise, but then remembered how often she promises things and doesn’t come through.  So she promised that she would try harder.  I can understand making mistakes while at least trying.  It’s the not trying at all and putting no effort in to anything that upsets me.  We’ll see how this week goes.  Hopefully she’ll stay stable enough to come home Friday.



Dinner For 6


We had dinner with oldest and his girlfriend a week ago today. We brought most of his Christmas gifts and bought their dinner. Things were a little awkward. She is divorced with 2 kids and also has her niece living with her. It felt like everyone was afraid to ask about each other. His drug test came back clean so he started work last Sunday. I keep forgetting to ask him how the work clothes I got him fit. They must be ok because he hasn’t said anything either way about them. He worked 4 days this week. He says he wants to find something else for the days he’s off from the first job. It felt like he’s wrapped around her little finger and he’s afraid to do anything stupid to lose her.

He called a couple of days ago and was afraid she was going to give him the boot because he pawned her rings and lied about it. She seemed more concerned about the lie than the rings, so I’ll give her credit for that. I could hear her in the background saying that we probably think badly of her because of this. I asked if I could talk to her and I told her that I didn’t think any less of her. I felt she had every right to be upset. I told him the same thing. He was cussing and loud when he first called but the more I talked to him the calmer he got. He was upset that someone had told lies about him. He wasn’t mad at her, just mad that she was upset. He was trying to defend himself. I told him screaming and yelling wasn’t going to solve anything. When I said that the kids shouldn’t have to listen to him like that he seemed to calm down much quicker. He really likes them. It’s ironic how he has talked so much trash about us, but he’ll call in cases like this knowing that I’m able to calm him down. Keep calling son. I’ll be here.

He wants to come to the house for dinner next. He would have come tonight, but his dad won’t be home and I’m not feeling well. I told him let’s make it next week. I would like to get to know her better. She *might* be good for him if she can handle his behavior (lies) long enough.

K was also home for the weekend. It was Thanksgiving all over again. It was as if she was right back where she was before she went to the hospital in the first place. She was upset that she got called on not doing the chores (sweeping and dusting) correctly. She melted down over it. The dust she left was so obvious. She kept saying that she did the chores correctly. When she was home she wanted to call staff to process and wouldn’t talk to me. When she’s there she wants to call me to process and won’t talk to staff. She went back Sunday. She’s cut at least twice since Monday. She’s saying she’s having flash backs because someone was in church that she didn’t want to see. She knew she might not be able to come home next weekend if she couldn’t stay safe for the two weeks in between. She still thinks she should come home even though she hasn’t been stable since going back. I told her if she’s not stable that I will not be able to watch her 24 hours a day and that she’d need to stay there until she was stable. The next day she cut again. I feel as though she’s manipulating us. If you don’t say I can come home I’ll cut. But if I come home I want to be able to do what I want and not have any responsibility (such as chores). Am I being cruel saying she can’t come home to visit because she’s not stable? Am I enabling her allowing her to come home to visit even though she’s not stable? I feel as though as long as she gets what she wants no matter her behavior, she feels she can keep doing it. Rock and a hard place, I tell ya.



This, That And The Other Which Thing


Where do I begin?

Oldest was MIA for Christmas.  We called two days before Christmas only to find that he was no longer living in the supervised apartment.  They gave me his cell number.  I called and left messages.  The day after Christmas he called and said he didn’t get the messages because he was out of minutes.  We still don’t know exactly where he is.  He says with his girlfriend in the same general area, but he hasn’t said exactly where.  We are going to meet for dinner at a restaurant because he wants us to meet his girlfriend.  We thought she had one child.  Turns out she has 3 and she’s 24.  He’s 19.  No biggie about the age difference, but I’m a tad bit concerned about the kids.  Oh, and he also wanted us to give him $$ to help with bills.  Then another call to say he needs work clothes for a new job he’s supposed to start on Sunday if he passes his drug test before then.  I bought more minutes for his phone and work clothes. As soon as the minutes showed up on his phone he called and asked if I sent him minutes.  I told him yes and he actually thanked me. He sounded sincere too.  That’s unusual for him.  We’ll probably bring some food for him along with his Christmas gifts when we meet for dinner.  I’m still not going to give him $$.  We’ll see how it goes.

K was home for 5 days for Christmas.  It was a much better visit than Thanksgiving.  She did use her brother’s cell without asking to text a friend that happens to be a boy who is also a friend of her brother.  Overall she did well though.  Her big issues are still inappropriate interaction with boys and exaggerated drama with peers (usually about boys).  She’s been singing in the choir and has been allowed to do a couple of solos.  She’s making almost all A’s except for one B.  There will probably be talk of discharge soon.  I expressed my big concern about school and the fact that she now has a reputation and those kids will not show mercy.  I don’t think she can handle that yet.  We’ll have to find something else.

Middle is having his ups and downs but generally doing well.  He doesn’t like being an only at home, but he’s been able to talk with and text friends so that helps some.