Waiting To Exhale

Well.  I never thought I’d see this happen again.  We have another child going in to residential.  She is telling us and the professionals that she has no intent to stop cutting.  She doesn’t see anything wrong with it and actually likes doing it.  This through “I’m sorry I’m ruining your lives…”.  She’s agreeing because she said it will make it easier on us so we won’t have to monitor her.  Easier, she says.  Hmmm.  I don’t recall having our oldest in residential being “easier” on us.  Whereas he was threatening others, she is only a danger to herself.  She writes in her journal that it would be easier for us if she were dead.  Hmmm.  We lost a child in 1995 at 11 months old who was medically fragile.  I don’t remember that being “easier” on us.  That was a living hell for us.  We told her as much.  That probably added more stress on her, but it is the truth.

A lot has happened in the last 3 weeks.  That’s a story for another day.

We’re trying to figure out if this has anything to do with nature vs nurture.  Since we don’t hold the key to their genetic makeup and the ones who do have a long history of mental illness, is this why we deal with this?  Did we do something wrong while raising them?  I don’t have the answer.  All we can do is do what we think is best for them and hope for the best outcome.

2 Comments | In: life | tags: daughter, dysfunctional, family, mental illness. | #

I have been holding my breath for nearly a month now. Just when I thought I could breathe daughter decides she has been ignored long enough. So the day before wayward son moves in to his new supervised apartment, daughter tests my promise to put her in a hospital if she continues her dangerous (to herself) behavior. True to my word, her father and I stay up all night watching her and I admit her to the hospital on Monday. She may be released on Tuesday of next week. She seems to want to continue to test our limits as she has had at least one incident each day she has been there, albeit minor incidents. That will teach us to pay more attention to wayward son than her.

In the meantime wayward son has moved in to the apartment, seen his psychiatrist for the first time since April and is now back on at least one of his meds voluntarily. Unless he has gotten better at pulling the wool over my eyes the last week has been nothing short of miraculous with his attitude and reasoning. I may just continue to hold my breath until we see if he means what he says. He still needs a job but is happy at the apartment and is anxious to start working again and still maintain a relationship with us.

And just for good measure, middle son decides to pull one of his “accidents waiting to happen” and fall and land on his elbow. That was a trip to the ER. He decided to have pity on me and it is just bruised and he only had to wear a sling for two days.

All this amidst much change and growth at work and mandatory hours to learn new software and programming to set up a whole new internet architecture. Fun times I tell ya.

No Comments | In: life | tags: dysfunctional, family, job, life, work. | #

Wayward son has been home for almost a week now. Not counting the second night when he decided to leave in the middle of the night and take all the clothes I had bought him the day before.

Let’s back up a little. We got a call Saturday afternoon while we were out. We didn’t get the “Mom, Dad, it’s R. It’s an emergency.” message until 9:30 pm. Turns out he was in the city. A close relative of the people he was staying with was in the hospital due to a motorcycle accident and he decided to pick that time to get away from them. So, hubs, being dead tired got in the car and went to look for the needle in the haystack. He told us the vicinity he was in. Fortunately hubs is familiar with the city since he drives the bus in to the city for charters. He found him a lot more quickly than I had expected and stopped to get something to eat before coming home. They got home around 11:30 pm.

I went shopping the next day for groceries and got him some of the clothing and toiletry essentials since he left those people with nothing but his wallet. Thankfully he had his id card and medical insurance cards with him. That night he decided he missed “his girl” and tried to go BACK to the home that had treated him so badly. He took all the new stuff I had bought. He had told us that they were making him give them at least half of all of his pay checks. Previously he had supposedly been working for them for “free” to make up for room and board. And yet he wanted to go back. I don’t get it.

Anyway, he was gone for 2 nights. He had been in touch with someone else who contacted us and told us his whereabouts. The first night he had slept in the woods about 5 miles from our house. Hubs had gotten in the car when we realized he was gone at almost midnight and looked for him. R knows the game. He walked through people’s yards to avoid being seen from the road. The day after sleeping in the woods, he got a ride from someone and bought a junk car from them. He has neither a driver license or insurance. He drove this car back to the place he had left and they kicked him off their property. On his way back the car broke down. It was in the area of the person whom he had contacted that had in turn contacted us. So, she told us where he was and that he hadn’t moved and slept in the car that night.

I drove to the location and lo and behold he was still in the disabled car. He had the title, but the title didn’t match the name of the person who sold it to him. Red.Flag. (but not to him). He was in tears saying he wanted to kill himself and blow up the car, etc. I finally convinced him to leave the car and come home and get something to eat and to get some sleep.

We spent the afternoon running around trying to get some stuff in order. We needed to make sure that his last paycheck would at least get to him at our address. I was unable to get in touch with the place he was working for to let them know he would not be in again. But, since this was through a staffing agency we were able to stop at their office and explain and change the address for his paycheck.

He has stayed put since then. He grumbles and complains when we ask him to help around the farm even though we are doing all of this for him. He always did this kind of stuff for the other people he lived with without the fuss. I doubt he will ever change. I told him if he takes off again before we get things straightened out that I am DONE. I will not try to find him. I will not bring him back home. I will not help him get things in order.

We have a lead on a supervised housing placement. He doesn’t like that fact that it will be supervised but we told him it’s either here or there. And it’s not like they’ll follow him around 24/7. He just needs to check in a couple of times a day to make sure he is taking his meds and keeping his Dr. appointments. He can get transportation to his appointments that his medical card will pay for. Apparently staying here is like having the plague. Which is fine by me, because I know he can’t stay here long term. Too much friction and disruption. The sooner we find him a place, the better.

We’ve made him an appointment with his Dr. to restart his meds. We have to wait three weeks to get in. I just hope he doesn’t do anything else without considering the consequences in that time.

The stress of it all caught up with me today and I nearly hyperventilated. As the day wears on things are settling but I know tomorrow and next week brings more. The things we do for our kids…

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**Update**

Well it was the right phone and the right person.  She called my home phone about 3 hours later and as soon as I said hello she started screaming at me.  Every other word must have been the "f" word.  She said how dare I call her phone and leave a message and that he doesn’t want a visit.  I had a very difficult time understanding her.  I calmly told her that yes he does want a visit.  He told me so on Sunday and he told his sister last week that he did.  She continued screaming something and then hung up.  I calmly called her cell phone again and left another message.  Gee, did she just tell me not to do that?  Too bad so sad.  She called again and said something about calling the police and other stuff I couldn’t understand and hung up again.  So, I called her cell phone AGAIN and left a message giving her permission to call the police because I have nothing to hide and I was pretty sure she would end up being the one in trouble if she did call them.  She hasn’t called again.  Not once did I raise my voice to her or threaten her.  She’s digging her own grave and I’m going to let her.

**End Upate**

I don’t know if it’s even to the right person or phone. I asked how she would feel if her daughter was staying with someone who wouldn’t let her see or talk to her. I then said Happy Fourth of July to you and hung up.

Hubby won’t let me just go get him. He says R knows he can come home and it’s up to him to make the next move. R’s phone has been dead since I talked to him Sunday. He’s obsessed with his phone. There is no way he would willingly leave it off for that long. I just want to scream.

No Comments | In: life | tags: dysfunctional, family, frustration, home, son. | #

**Update**

We were able to get the last name and the address, directions and phone numbers of the family he is staying with.  We’re one step closer to bringing him home.

****

It looks like it’s going to come down to having to kidnap my oldest back. He called home this week and spoke with K and told her he wants to come home and he can’t take it there anymore.

I asked my bosses and they will allow me to work from home while he stays with us, hopefully only a couple of weeks. We have been unable to talk to him since the phone call this week because the woman he is staying with listens in on all his conversations and won’t allow us to speak openly with him. He must have been alone for a change when he called and talked to K.

If we can find out where he is, I told J (his social worker) I would be willing to drive up and down their road until we see him and get him in the car even if he doesn’t have any clothes with him. We just need to get him out of there. I’ll have to cancel his phone and open a new account for him so she can’t contact him and I don’t think he’s memorized their phone number. This woman is certifiable. J was talking to R about calling me so we can arrange to bring him home and she got on the phone and started spewing obscenities at her and accusing her of saying things she wasn’t saying and also saying that she (the woman) is the only person trying to help him.

I can’t sit by and let this happen.

I’ve sent him an anonymous (no return phone so she doesn’t get my cell number) text message saying we want a visit. Hopefully that will work.

No Comments | In: life | tags: dysfunctional, family, son, wayward. | #